I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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