So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
