My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
