I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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