Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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