When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
