ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
