I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
