What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hippo gnu deer
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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