Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
