Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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