Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
