totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
