If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
accomplished twins. life is a go
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
