Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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