How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pants are for mortals
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
