3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
