OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize