i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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