Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
