He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
