I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
