after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
