hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
