meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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