My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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