you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
