So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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