apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
