i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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