I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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