for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
