would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
