my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
