Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She's the barista slut.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
