I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
