North Korea, Best Korea!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
