How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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