she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
