my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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