Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
