I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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