my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
