I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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