No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
