Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
