i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
