it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
