I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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