By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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