Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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