This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
