My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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