my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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