i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
