Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Say something about gay babies.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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