Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
